Just doing some reading – James 1 and Yeats

James 1:1-2

*  What is it to be “a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ“?  I’m going to avoid all of the many trite answers that come to mind.  Instead, I’m going to dwell on the thought for a while.  I have an awful lot of free time for a servant.

* Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds.  There are so many times that I’ve thought “If only I KNEW that this was the will of God, I would obey it – no matter what.”  But then there are verses like this.  Passages that talk about anything and everything.  And I can’t help but put into this verse the trials of a certain kind – the ones I’ve been being worrying about in a fairly worldly way.  God says to count it all joy.  Yes, my blog is called “Cynical Joy”.  I think now would be a good time for the Joy to win over the Cynical.

 

W. B. Yeats

But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,

And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

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* I like this little bit of poetry.  It means a lot to me.

 

 

 

 

I have spread my dreams under your feet.

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

                                                                        – Yeats

My current struggles seem to center around my faults.  It bothers me to no end when I forget things and when I see myself as unreliable.  With these things, I often lean on my doctors and counselors to find balance for myself.  I do have diagnosed mental illnesses.  It is hard to deal with that fact alone.  But when I have accidental overdose(s) or cannot bear to go to school, it is harder yet.

This overall fragile feeling made me think of the quote above.  I lean so heavily on my doctors to help me cope and maintains some self-respect.  It’s like I have placed my dreams under their feet.

I used to write about my walk with God so much more.  I like me then better.   So, it just makes me think how I need to put my dreams in God’s hands.  And if only I would concentrate on my Creator – I would worry less about whatever conditions I have.  If He made me this way, it must be okay.  And if  He promises everyone else that He has a plan for their life, surely He cares for me and has a plan for me.

 

maybe it’s not worth mentioning

In my best judgment, today should be considered a good day.  I met with a counselor who was encouraging about the slow recovery from the depression.  And, I was able to help a lady that was traumatized about some dream interpretation during group.  So, I should feel good about that.

I didn’t go to school because of these appointments, but from what Nick said, everything went well according to the note I sent in.  I guess I’ll have to judge that for myself tomorrow.  The same little boy that missed school on Monday, missed again today.  I hope he is okay.  And, I hope we can get him caught up to the class without any real trouble.

Anyway, I went to our take-out Chinese restaurant and bought my favorite.  After lunch, I took Pup-Pup for a long car ride.  That always makes me smile.  I love the “driving around for no good reason” feeling.

I should feel good about the next part of the day too.  I worked on picking up the house, I made dinner & the family was able to eat together at the table.  There is a good sense of satisfaction in that.  And, it feels like a good piece of progress too.  Afterwards, Jerry took Nick to scouts.  And, so I worked on cleaning up the kitchen & was able to clear off areas that have just been full of clutter for some time now.

Helped Nick with a math problem & watched some CSI with Rachael and Jerry.

I’m going to assume that the whole “I’m bummed out” feeling that started around 7pm was just another misinterpretation of “I’m tired”.

Mood rating for the day:  5.

 

side note

On a side note, the depression is gone & no mania has followed (yet).   I see Dr. Gold on Friday.  YES, I made it 28 days without having to make an earlier appointment.  Whoo Hooo.  Counselor seems to think that you can live a decent life with bi-polar.   Her solution to my bi-polar is to make an appointment with the doctor at the first sign of a problem.  Hmmmmm.  I think I did that times 3.    I like the lady though, and I think I’ll stick with her for another month or so before deciding whether it truly is beneficial.

 

An afternoon post

I think an afternoon post might be a rather optimistic thing.

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The girls & I went to Paducah last night.  On the way, I filled the gas tank.  We went to a couple of stores and I spent about $30 each at 2 department stores.  OOOH NOOO, how scandalous!!  My MasterCard company went on alert & declined all future purchases.  Isn’t that crazy?  We have about $2000 of credit and can’t spend more than $100 in a day?  If I had more energy, I’d call and complain.   These companies are all so smart.  They drive us crazy, pressing 1, then 0, then 1 again, then 2… just so we can sit on hold another 5 minutes, have a representative get on the phone and make us repeat everything we just pressed 1′s for.

Okay, that isn’t terribly optimistic.  Let’s get back on track.

The girls and I had a nice time together.  Nothing crazy, just good.  The plan for today is to run errands and go to appointments all morning. (done, check it off the list).   For lunch, we had cheesy rice, carrots, and corn.  Plus, Jerry had a grilled pork chop & the rest of us had bacon-wrapped Filet Mignon.    The afternoon included a vet appointment for Hannah’s puppies, a cookie delivery to Joey, and wrapping some presents and making out some cards.

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It is late afternoon now & we are getting ready to open our family Christmas presents.  Last bit of eating will be our lazy day desserts — Banana Cream Pie and Chocolate-Covered Cream Puffs.

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There might not be any colored lights or pine branches at our house… but there is much goodwill and loving worship of our Messiah.  A celebration unlike any previous year.  But, I think it is okay.

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Thank you Jesus!  Fall on your knees.  All praise to the King.

 

A morning post.

Things are always so busy in the morning that I don’t often philosophize or even stew about things.

A morning post would include:

I taught two classes of Biology today & they both went well.  We have our goals for finishing up units before the Christmas break.

I have 5 dresses to package & get mailed out.  Cute, little, sweet girly dresses.  Awwww.

I also have a batch of lemon bars in the oven.  Yum.

Next, I’ll be making a grocery list so that we can make blossom cookies.

Then, it will be time to clean the house.

And, I need to talk to the neighbor about our churches joining up on the food pantry projects.

NO *big smiles* YET.  Maybe soon.

 

 

Unreliable Electrical Systems

It feels like the power came back on 2 weeks ago.  Just as if someone flipped a switch and everything was okay again.  But it is nearly impossible to trust this situation.  Lightening might strike causing a power surge & a period of crazy happiness.  Or, the lights could flicker for a while, keeping me in limbo – not knowing what to think.   The only thing that is certain is another blackout.  Maybe next month or maybe next year.  This is a crappy way to live.  I’m unreliable and building up a bad reputation.  I should probably put such thoughts away and just enjoy having the lights on.  Maybe I will.  In the meantime, I’m going to work on some damage control and see if my friendships are still in tact.

 

 

a recent email conversation

I want to make a joke about the fundraising thingy being like a war where the “winner” forgets quickly and holds no hard feelings and the “loser” licks his wounds for years to come.  But that would probably be in bad taste.  Oops, it slipped out.  I apologize.

This depression that plagues me is irrational.  If there were something I could argue about (with myself, I guess), maybe then I could get a handle on it. Having one’s mind set on a self-inflicted death is also irrational.  Reasons do not exist for it or against it.  It has a power of its own.  I could be wrong about that.  In any case, I find the thought of there being “a way out” therapeutic while I wait for this to pass.  And morbid thoughts are somewhat comforting.

But, the reason that I’m writing is a comment you made about the stigma of suicide.  It has come to mind several times since I first read your email.  And, it seems like such an old-fashioned concept.  I guess I come from an urban mindset where you are what you do — not, you are the child of your parents.   I do recall, however, that my grandmother would talk about people and somewhat judge them by their parents or grandparents’ virtues and faults.  My grandmother was definitely a child of the countryside.

So, I don’t know if the “stigma” escapes me because I’m of a different age or a different setting.  Or, maybe just because it tries to be a reason in the irrational battle with depression.  And, I don’t feel like I have to endure for anyone’s sake.  It is more of a moral obligation.  My father suffered many things because he believed that life is precious.  The horrible traditional and experimental therapies, just because he saw it as his duty to protect the life God had given him.  I know this verse is overused by the Right to Life people, but it is what keeps me going.   “You knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

So, if at some point it seems like I intentionally died, it was an irrational act. I was no longer thinking rationally.

– author’s note.  suicide is merely a topic of discussion here; especially in the sense of  the rational vs the irrational.  as far as I know, neither party is considering it as an option.

 

NO, it is not all chemical. I don’t think so anyway.

My dear reader,

I know that my posts about depression tend to run around with chemistry in mind.  But, I love chemistry;  the scientific method, experiments, failures, progress – the whole thing!  And the way biology and chemistry are so intertwined, it is obvious that we were created by a great God.

Now, about organic depression:  I never want to be considered an expert in this area.  I’m not even sure I want to explore my own beliefs about this.  But, I have from now until bedtime to think about it…. and where better to think than here?

I have felt for sometime the need for church.  The need to sing, the need to shake hands, a need to open my Bible and hear it together with those people from our community, and what not.  And, everytime that I stay home while my family goes to worship, I feel a little chunk of me drop away.   Maybe not “me”, but a chunk of my stamina.  It is always a vague feeling, but it is substantiated by the greatest desire to go to church.  This last Sunday was the first time that I made it there for a while.  Morning and night. whoo hoo!  lol.  I am quite sure this is NOT just a matter of doing what I think I should do.  It is real.  It builds me up.

All that to say, I believe there is a spiritual element to depression.   My experience also shows me that reading my Bible and praying is lost around the same time that I lose the desire/ability to shower, cook, sleep, and “care” about anything.

Wow.  That’s all I care to say and it’s long before bedtime!

 

You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Previous Thoughts:

1) Attempted suicide is a poor substitute for using one’s voice to ask for help.  Ask politely, scream loudly, work with great diligence – even if that means complete humility & financial disaster!

2) Even when you diligently ask for help, it can be slow coming.

3) One coping technique is to concentrate on morbid activities.  All the while, carefully avoiding the possibility of self-harm.

4) Morbid activities included searching for a burial plot, learning about burial laws, and designing a coffin.  Decide if you want a funeral, a graveside service, etc.  These morbid activities are probably a terrible idea & a professional would cringe upon reading them.  But, these thoughts do allow the brain to calm down and rest in the fact that the current situation does not have to last forever.

5) Working out the details of an eventual suicide does the same thing.   And it can be helpful, just as long as you keep yourself from a true opportunity.  Enough said.

Current Thoughts:

1.)  Depression is far more than just painful.  It is dangerous.

2.) It is now 2 weeks since the “lowest point”, and in my search for help, I’ve heard some good points, some moronic concepts, and some odd things.

(i.)  One friend advised against suicide because of the stigma it would put on my family.  (moronic concept)

ii)  My dad, “Life is Precious”. (good point)

iii) A Bible verse that is often used by Pro-Life advocates.  “You knit me together in my mother’s womb.”  Psalm 139:13  My life is precious because God made it.  That doesn’t make it any more tolerable, but it is a good point.  Interesting too.  Pro-Life, hmmm.

iv) You have been in this place before, and things turned around miraculously.

3.)  Getting better is much harder than staying in the pit.  The people around you say “thank God that is over”, and it is about time you got back to normal.

4.)  It isn’t working out that way.  Every hour is still a challenge.  Absolutely nothing comes easily.  The smile is hard.  The “hello” is difficult.

5.)  I hate my health insurance, and I hate that I can’t afford a necessary medication.  And, I hate that I have to go back to the doctor and discuss this whole mess again.